Happy B Day Chuck! (100 facts)

Posted by Max 3 weeks ago.
Posted in RutLife

We want to wish a Happy Birthday to The One & Only Chuck Norris!  80 years of Badass is a big deal, cheers to how ever many more you want to have!  Here’s a few facts about The Chuck Norris…

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not “attempt” murder.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

Chuck Norris has inside jokes with complete strangers.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn’t try to survive. The zombies do.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack… even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Chuck Norris’s computer has no “backspace” button, Chuck Norris doesn’t make mistakes.

Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris’s daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn’t play “hide-and-seek.” He plays “hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you.”

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver… and wins.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.

Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s beef.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It’s called the Guinness Book of World Records.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris’s Blood Type is AK-47.

Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris once walked away from a fight with two broken ribs and a dislocated arm. He hasn’t given them back yet…

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Chuck Norris can steal free samples.

Chuck Norris can speak French… In Russian.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn’t real, it’s when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”

Chuck can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris found the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris can draw a square with only 3 lines.

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.

Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.

Chuck Norris went to a feminist rally and came back with his shirt ironed and holding a sandwich.

Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.

Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.

Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.

Chuck Norris doesn’t teabag , he potato sacks.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

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